The Myth

The previous parts of this article are here: Preface, Part 1, Part 2,Part 3, Part 4, & Part 5.

I think I have rambled enough about love now. So, let me end the current series of posts on love with a short and satirical poem.

THE MYTH

"What is love?"

That's the question

You have to let go of

Like a loved one

With tenderness

And utmost care

For you can't address

Why life's unfair

Actually, no one can

No guru, no saint

Nor a medicine man

Knows love's true intent

Love's incomprehensible

So don't treat it

Like a statistical table

Instead ignorance you admit

And treat it with

Veneration and respect

Like you do for a myth

From times past perfect.

-- The End --

Critiquing Love

The previous parts of this article are here: Preface, Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, & Part 4.

I think I have written enough on love, at least for now. But then I ended my previous post with "To be continued..." So, now I feel obliged to write something more about love. Well, so be it.

Although I seem to be suffering from a mental block now, I have actually enjoyed contemplating on the meaning of love, and writing about it. It's has been a really fulfilling exercise, because it helped me see some shades and subtilties of love that I hadn't paid attention to before. It was also interesting to read through the comments and emails of my friends who responded to my posts on love. They provided some additional insights into the topic. However, despite all these musings and conversations on love (or may be because of them), today it feels like love is a pretty insignificant thing that we only have magnified in our mind by thinking and talking too much about it.

One of the philosophies that I subscribe to is what Socrates summarized with the words, "An unexamined life is not worth living." As a corollary, anything worthwhile should be examined. And so love should be examined. However, isn't it possible that the examination of a phenomenon makes it more important in our eyes? Specifically, isn't it likely that the importance of love becomes magnified in our eyes when we think and ponder over it? You may respond, "Yes, but what's wrong with that?" The problem is that when love becomes important in our mind, we expect it to be the panacea for all our problems. We start deluding ourselves that love conquers all. Consider the lyrics of the Beatles song, "All you need is love." It goes:

There's nothing you can do that can't be done.

Nothing you can sing that can't be sung.

Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game

It's easy.

There's nothing you can make that can't be made.

No one you can save that can't be saved.

Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you

in time - It's easy.

All you need is love, all you need is love,

All you need is love, love, love is all you need.

I love the Beatles! But does love really take care of everything, as suggested by the Beatles? According to Brian Epstein, the manager of the Beatles, "[The above song] was an inspired song and they really wanted to give the world a message. The nice thing about it is that it cannot be misinterpreted. It is a clear message saying that love is everything." Really? Is love everything? To be fair, it's not just the Beatles. Innumerable other poets, songwriters, novelists, movie-makers, and even saints have talked about love being the most potent and powerful force in the world. But how can that be? Let's evaluate love based on the some of the definitions that have been suggested.

In my previous posts, I talked about true love in terms of being there. I also said that irrespective of whether the other person is there or not, we should strive to be there. This may have sounded like a reasonable idea, but can you be there for your beloved, if s/he doesn't want you to be there? No! So, how are you going to practice being there, if you are not wanted? Unless you want to feel like a martyr, you cannot and should not be there for someone who doesn't want you to be there. You may think that the problem lies with viewing love as being there. But that's not true. Let's consider some of the other definitions that were suggested by my friends (based on their readings and understanding):

• True love is unconditional
• True love is having no expectations of reciprocation
• True love is giving freedom to the other.

Now aren't these definitions also promoting a mentality of martyrdom? If not, then they at least seem to suggest that we will have a fulfilling experience if we love others in such selfless ways.

I just googled "real love," and one of the top results was a book titled by the same name. Here are some of the introductory words from the book that I saw through the preview feature of Google Books: "Real Love is unconditionally caring about the happiness of another person. Sadly, few of us have either given or received that kind of love, and without it we experience a terrible void in in our lives, which we try to fill with money, power, food, sex, and entertainment. But not matter how much of these substitutes we acquire, we remain empty, alone, afraid, and angry, because the one thing we really need is Real Love. Without it, we can only be miserable; with it our happiness is guaranteed." Now, you tell me, although the above view of love seems very right and idealistic, is it not promising something that cannot be delivered? Do you really believe that happiness is guaranteed with real love?

To be continued ...

How to experience true love?

The previous parts of this article are here: Preface, Part 1, Part 2, & Part 3.

In the last couple of posts, I talked about the idea that love is essentially being there. I also used this Buddhist definition of love as the basis to differentiate true love from the unreal varieties. It may be tempting to use this criterion to judge other people's love, but when we do that, we will most likely end up losing our peace. In cases of romantic love, we may feel bitter and resentful that our efforts to be there for our partner was not reciprocated. Thus, it is imperative that we stay non-judgmental about other people's love. But how can you stay non-judgmental in a situation where your partner failed to be present for you during the times of your need?

The point is that when we become judgmental, we fail to be there ourselves. We become so caught up in the whirlpool of our maddening thoughts and emotions that we fail to be fully present in the moment ourselves. We all know people who have lost their presents by ruminating over the past. I confess to have lost a lot of valuable moments of my life this way. The biggest tragedy of such rumination is that it prevents us from experiencing true love again.

There is a quote that has been attributed to Mahatma Gandhi that I absolutely love: Be the change you want to see in the world. If we want to experience true love, we have to practice true love ourselves. You may ask, "But I was always present for my beloved. Why am I suffering so much, whereas my neighbor seems to be enjoying true love despite being a jerk?" The fact of life is that there are several forces that influence our experiences. Some are directly influenced by us: our intentions, efforts, actions, etc. Some are influenced by  factors that are not directly within our immediate control: prarabdha karma (as per Hindu and Buddhist philosophy) or random events (according to some scientific views). So, bad things can and will continue to happen to good people. Just because you are good, does not mean that you will be automatically immune to bad things happening to you. Even Gods and Goddesses faced a lot of hardships and unfair deals, but they are worshiped as Gods primarily because they succeeded in not letting their equanimity to be disturbed by the events of their life. In other words, our subjective experience of good and bad events is always influenced by us alone. Those who are wise and highly evolved spiritually, succeed in maintaining their loving kindness towards others. They do this by continuously practicing mindfulness and love. And it is their practice that helps them be there fully. In summary, I think the best that we can do to experience true love is to practice being there ourselves.

To be continued ...

Being There

The previous parts of this article are here: Preface, Part 1, & Part 2.

One of the best cartoons I have seen is a New Yorker cartoon by Alex Gregory. In this cartoon, a man is  shown as thinking about golf while at work, thinking about sex while golfing, and thinking about work while having sex. In other words, the man is never fully present in any of the situations. The cartoon may seem to be depicting a case of fickle-mindedness. However, at a slightly deeper level, it is also making a statement about love, or more precisely what is not love. How can we say that the man loves his work, if he is day dreaming about golf while at work? How can we say that he loves golf, if he is engulfed in sexual fantasies while playing his game? And how can we say that the man is really making love, if while having sex he is preoccupied about his work?

Once I showed the above-mentioned cartoon to a group of fellow doctoral students in a research seminar, and everyone in the room had a good laugh. Why? Because at some level or other they all related to the man's predicament. As so accurately depicted in the cartoon, almost of all us are never fully present in the moment. The Buddhist practice of mindful meditation is a method that is very helpful in enhancing our capacity to live fully in the present. Over the last decade, there has also been a lot of scientific research on mindfulness. However, this post is not about mindfulness per se. It is about love. The reason I brought up mindfulness into the conversation is that mindfulness and true love both have the same ideal, i.e., to be there. I think the only difference between the two phenomena is the level of analysis. While mindfulness is a very broad concept, authentic love is very specific. Love focuses on being fully present for your beloved.

A couple of days ago, on this blog, I talked about the relationship between my parents. It must have been pretty obvious to you that I admire their relationship very much. But the admiration is not because they are perfect human beings or a perfect couple. Far from it! They both have a whole host of weaknesses and flaws. For example, they fought a lot with each other (only verbal arguments). But despite these failings, they always strove to be present for each other. They made conscious choices in that regard. For example, my dad always chose to come home straight from work so that he could be by my mother's side to provide her some respite who had been taking care of my intellectually disabled brother for the whole day all on her own. Similarly, my mom, was always concerned about my dad. Even now, when she has the opportunity to stay with her kids for longer periods of time, she always remains concerned about how my dad would be managing on his own, and so, returns home quickly to be able to take care of him. I don't want to glorify my parents. That's not my point. My point is that when two individuals are physically and psychologically present for each other, to take care of each other, to support each other in their difficulties,  and to share joys with each other, that is love.

Being there for each other is not an easy task. It will obviously involve many personal sacrifices. For example, one person may have to give up a coveted job and seek employment in a new location just to be able to be there for one's loved one. It may involve sacrificing different pleasurable activities and personal time on a regular basis. The point is that only few people will be ready to be present for you when personal sacrifices are involved. Only those who do, are the ones who truly love you. The rest is all fickle love, if not  necessarily fake love.

To be continued ...

So, what really is love?

You can find the Part 1 of this article here.

So, what is love, really? In my last couple of posts, I argued that words and symbols of love shouldn't be equated with real love. I emphasized that love is what you do, not what you say. But then, gifting a material object, whatever it may be, is a form of doing. Same with expressing love through words. After all, saying is doing as well. So, why am I saying that these actions aren't exactly love? Am I trying to suggest that some actions qualify as love and not others? Am I saying something like cooking or doing laundry for someone is love, but gifting a teddy bear isn't? No! That would be too judgmental a statement. But before I talk about what is authentic love, let me first of all confess that I am no expert on love. In some ways, I am probably just the opposite of an expert, because I haven't exactly fared well in the area of love, at least based on societal standards. However, my failures have definitely prodded me to meditate on the matter, and now, I think I have a little better sense of what is true love than I had before.

I believe it is very important that we have a good understanding of what is real love, because without it we won't know what to strive for within ourselves in our relationships. Also, we will likely get carried away by popular, fantastic notions of love. Worse, we may experience a lot of suffering when we confuse fake love for authentic love. In essence, our practice and experience of true love is contingent upon our understanding of the same.

My current understanding is that real love is primarily about being there. Before I elaborate further on this understanding, let me first acknowledge that this idea is not mine. About three or four years ago, I had read a book by the Vietnamese Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh, on love. Thich, if you don't know, is a highly respected monk, and had also been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize by the Martin Luther King Jr. In any case, according to Thich, "To love..., is above all to be there." He wrote, "If you are not there, how can you love?" If I translate Thich's words into scientific lingo, being present is a necessary condition of love. If it isn't there, then there is no true love; whatever we see then may have the appearance of love, but it isn't really love.

When I first read this Buddhist idea of love being defined in terms of being, I liked the idea. However, I didn't realize the full truth behind it until I started meditating on love a few days ago. Thich's words weren't there in my conscious memory. But when I meditated I got the same insight as Thich's. You may say, I remembered the words of Thich's. Whatever it is, insight or recollection, I realized the profundity of being there for the first time.

To be continued ...